"It meant nothing. It meant nothing! Nothing..." That was all she keeps thinking every time she had to see him. It was all she could allowed herself to think whenever she talked to him. She couldn't dare to feel it...to feel hope; to feel hopeful, wishing for something she deep inside knew so well it would never happen again. But that didn't stop the dreams at night nor the constant day-dreams she would find herself falling into unintentionally.
She denied it to anyone that asked. "Nothing happened" or "It means nothing to me", she lost the count of how many asked and how many times she lied. Because if others knew what she felt deep inside, she would be vulnerable in other places rather just in her bedroom when nobody was watching. Because others though she was strong and independent and, honestly, she couldn't take it if everybody started thinking otherwise just because she let her feelings slip for a while in that night; the night that changed it all. And it didn't take long for her life to take a 180º degrees change... One hour. Letting the barriers down for one single hour as all it took for everything to change.
And she hates it.
She hates the fact that she let it happen again; that she let herself feel something again. And that could have been nothing if she didn't know that what she allowed herself to feel that night was something she could and wanted to give...but couldn't and wouldn't get back. All because she wasn't good enough; it was always because she was never good enough. She knew it well, so damn well! But still...that doesn't stops her heart of beating a little faster whenever he walks by.
She feared love like it was a 7-headed monster, but still couldn't help to feel a little attracted by its beauty whenever she would stumble across it. It was curiosity that brought her in in the first place and it was what brought her in this time too. She was curious, and she knew it. She couldn't stand a little mystery without feeling the need to solve it; that was what love meant to her, a huge, deep, ugly mystery she couldn't help to try to solve. Even when she knew there wasn't an answer or simple solution to it. But it shouldn't hurt to try, it shouldn't.
But it did...and it still does. And she knows that too.
Thiner than thread | by ~AndieMaars | On DeviantART
~Andie Fern Maars
I decided to try something different this time...Please let me know what you think about this one. I'll be posting "sequels" to this one in the near future, so keep checking back for more :)