Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Broken Angel

A second choice. That’s what I feel I am; a second choice. A person everybody calls last, because it’s mostly sure I’ll pick up and I’ll be available for whatever the reason you called. I don’t really know how to explain this feeling, it’s like I've ‘Easy’ written on my forehead; am I that easy? I truly want to know, am I?  It’s like I don’t even deserve a chance to try and be myself because everybody expects me to be someone else, a replacement of someone else; a second choice. So I live with the constant reminder that I was never good enough, that I’m never good enough to be just myself.

And that’s all I ask for, a chance, an opportunity to be myself and nobody else. And it shouldn't be too much to ask, at all. But I still see all the astonished faces every single time I try, pushing me down to the oblivion, hoping I’ll forget it or get too tired to try again. But I still rise, again, every time they try to push me down, most of the times without any help; because I’m not expected to need that help. I’m expected to be quiet and perfect like a little doll; flawless.

And even though I know it’s not my fault they think like that, I still try to impress them…all to no avail.

But I’m not flawless; I actually stand far from that. I can feel my soul covered with ugly scars life gave me for trying to please everybody, but I can’t help it. I can’t help trying to help others  become better even if that implies I’ll be hurting, even if that implies not getting anything nice in return from them, not a ‘thank you’, not a hand shake, not even a smile; all I’m worth of are sympathetic lies, punches in the heart and stabs in the soul. But I stitch my soul, dry my tears and in the next day I’m there again, against all odds, ready for another round.

So you can say that I’m easy, the amount of times you want to; but don’t you dare say I’m not strong.

Dark Velvet | by Andie Maars | original on DeviantArt

You should listen to Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue while you read this… [link]

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Irreplaceable. Gone

[Please read all the way 'till the end and you'll understand what this it.]

"One day, someone asked me if I had found the love of my life. 
I answered:

I did, once. But I let her go. One day she was here and in the other she had vanished; "Gone with the wind". And it was my fault. I used to think about her as a safety net because she was always there. I was stupid because I knew she loved me, but I never loved her back while I could. I kissed her once or twice but then I... I pushed her away of my life because she always asked too many questions; now I know she was only being careful because I had already broken her heart before. She only needed to be sure I was into it as much as she was. But I wasn’t. I’m ashamed to say that I was using her to forget someone that broke my heart before. And she didn’t deserve it, at all. She was the sweetest, most funny, loveliest girl I’ve ever met and I broke her. I broke her so bad… I lost her in the day I decide she wasn’t good enough to me and started dating another girl. I bet she noticed, she always notices those things. But she was. Oh gosh she was too good to me, and she knew it but she chose me anyway… and I let her down.

I thought she was being hard when I first tried to kiss her because she didn’t like me… A few months later I figure it out that in that night I told her I still loved my ex-girlfriend; that’s why she kept push me away all night long. But then I called her in the week that followed and she didn’t hesitate when I tried then. Now I can imagine what she thought: I called her, so I want to be with her. She interpreted that call as I silent yes I never said.  And I should, I should have said yes while I could...

Now is too late.

I saw her a few days ago, in the street. There she was, beautiful as always; even more I would say. There she was, holding hands with a man I didn’t know. She seemed happy, really happy. It was obvious she loved the man she was holding hands with. For just a second I thought I saw something shiny on her left hand; and engagement ring perhaps… I took too long to realize she was the one I wanted, and someone else did. I didn’t say a word; just froze in the middle of the street when I saw her coming in my direction. And she passed through me without blinking; she didn’t recognize me. Or maybe she did (she told me once when we were just kids that she hardly forgets a face), as the guy that broke her heart, twice

Although I know I would be a better man with her by my side, what I saw was she being better without me, happier without me; and noticed I was miserable without her.  In that moment, I wished I had answered all those text messages she used to send – “just to say hi ” as she used to reply if I asked – just to keep in touch. But I used to ignored her most of the time. “She’s just a kid”, I used to think.  After that, I realized she had alway been much more mature than I, in so many ways.

Sometimes I wonder about what invited her in the first place. What could I have possibly done for her to fall for me…?  And I can’t find an answer.  She was perfect and I was, and honestly still am, stupid.
I wished I could apologize, for all the pain I caused, for all the things I haven’t done or said; for all the no’s she had to ear. Maybe I could even ask for another chance (if what she felt was real she still feels it, right?); because maybe, just maybe, that shiny reflection might have been an illusion.  Who am I trying to trick? She gave me too many chances, so asking for another one its suicide… but if I could, I would.

What wouldn’t I give just to start all over again with her…! But she is priceless. Even thought, I would give everything to have her in my arms again; for one last chance I know I don’t deserve." 

~Andie Maars

This text belongs to a story I'm writing  (I've posted some other texts/poems from it around here*) but this one is in the P.O.V of a new character that doesn't have a name yet :D

*And here they are: , "Irrational Fear" , "Dreamand "I remember you"'...Remember them?