Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Something Worth Being Proud Of

Everyone that has read a thing or two I (rarely never) post around here has realized I write about feelings (or complain about stuff, but that’s not relevant right now). And not just any feeling, usually I write about the really high points, and the really low ones. For the words to come to me, I’m either extremely happy/excited, or extremely sad/heartbroken/unsure about life. I’ve tried writing about all the in-between's, but it never turns out good enough. I’m incredibly mediocre in terms of writing about “meh” subjects. 

But this is different, in a way. Because all my “feelings levels” have never been this much “meh”, but I still feel the need to write something about it. On the other hand, I guess we can still file this under the “unsure about life” category.

I reached an academic milestone last week: I finished my MSc degree. I told exactly three people about the date of the presentation – my parents and one friend that just happened to ask randomly at that time. Anyone that found out about it after that was either through the parents, or through the general e-mail the university sends every student (because here, these kind of presentations are considered open to the public).

I’ve wondered why I didn’t told anyone. 

For one, it wasn’t a particularly interesting subject (no one came to watch it).

And two, I was kind of disappointed with the project itself. I mean, it had tons of potential in the beginning… But then there were delays, bureaucracy, sick days, needed material that took ages to arrive and countless empty promises to make it more “exciting” that turned out to be just that – empty. 

I’m still proud of it, kind of. It was sweat and tears, back pains and headaches, stubborn equipment and countless failed attempts until something worked out. But I did it. All on my own. I did it! 

The excitement lasted three hours, maybe four. By the time tea time rolled around I was back at feeling the same emptiness. What do I do with my life now? I spent the four days that followed in the same state of mind.

But then there was this old guy, lets call him Tom, in my anti-gravity class at the gym that realized I had missed the class the week previous to that and asked why. And I told him I had stayed at the lab practicing my thesis presentation. But that it was done now, I had passed it with flying colours. 

And Tom - who is practically a stranger that I see once or twice a week for forty five minutes on that anti-gravity class at the gym -, said he was proud of what I had accomplished. He knew nothing about the subject, or the project, or the countless ways it failed until it could be something.  But just knowing I had done it was, in his eyes, reason enough. And then we had a lovely conversation about life choices.

And that my people, is what you should take from this abnormally long and random post. Life happens, things go wrong, you fall and think you lost the will to get back up… But you can’t just sit still and let Life fly by your eyes. Be proud of your achievements! No matter how small they seem, either in the big picture or compared to what someone else did. If is something you worked your ass off for, it’s something worth being proud of. 


Embrace the blur | Andie Maars

and if you have that anti-gravity class (i've been told is similar to aerial yoga) i mentioned in your gym and you never tried, i'd recommend you try it twice. go to one class, wait a week, then try again (don't ask why, trust me on this, you'll know). it's the best thing ever!

Sunday, April 2, 2017

raw, unfiltered truth.

The last few months have been a roller coaster of emotions I've had a hard time dealing with. Here's why.

Try as I may, there is no way around the fact that I felt out of love with the person I was once committed to love for a lifetime (yes, the same that promised not to brake my heart and ended up doing just that).

I wish I could say it was just because of one big thing, that there was one set reason why - like getting your heart broken. But that is not the truth. It is never that simple.

The truth lies somewhere between all the little things we spend half the time ignoring, and the other half worshipping. Things that on their own are petty and meaningless, but together have the power to brake the deepest and strongest of bonds.

Our bond hadn't been strong for a long time. And, in Ed Sheeran's fashion, crumbled like pastries.

The truth lies somewhere in the fact that we grew apart for too long to still know how to do so together. Like two lines that were forced to run parallel to each other and now can never cross paths again.

I don't know what the real truth is anymore...

So I walk alone once more. But then again, there is this little voice inside me whispering that, perhaps, I've been doing just that for a while.


Thursday, January 19, 2017

Thank You 2016

We did it, we survived 2016. And as the new year slowly takes it course, I feel the need to think back about all that happened. I can say with 100% of certainty that 2016 felt like the longest year of my life. But even with all the ups and downs, twists and turns, I can't be anything but grateful. 

2016 was a year where I not only fulfilled my quota of growing old, but had my fair share of growing up too. A year of transformations, mental and physical. A year with new mistakes made and past ones fixed (or in the mending). A year of another round of figuring out the people I can really count on; it shouldn't surprise me just how much shorter that list keeps getting year after year. But alas, the shorter the "list" gets, the more my fear of ending up lonely and friendless grows.  

A year of travels and adventures - although maybe not as many as I would have wished for -, and a promise set it stone to have more adventures, to make more memories, to take more photographs.

A promise to let loose and lose some fears. To try new things, to meet new places, to see the world through different angles. Above all, to never, ever, stop appreciating the fact that I'm alive! Is it hard? Absolutely! But I don't reckon it'd be half as rewarding without some hardships.

This past year wasn't easy at all. I like to say I entered 2016 with the wrong foot,  angry, condemning it to failure before it even had really begun. But everything made me stronger, more resilient, braver...and just for that, it was already worth it all. I believe I've made my peace with it and I'm ready for whatever might come next.

Now onward to 2017! 

2016...Random Mode | Andie Maars

Happy New Year (can I still say that?!?),

Better late than ever, right?

Thursday, November 24, 2016

I've lost count on how many times I've talked about Love in my texts. Too many? Not enough? 

The funny thing is, while growing up it never mattered much. Sure, I grew up watching all those Disney films filled with numerous Princes Charming, Happy Ever Afters and unrealistic expectations... but even in my 5 year old mind I knew those were just films, not necessarily the way things had to be. I always knew the difference between fantasy and reality (trying to make my mother understand that, was a totally different story), so maybe that's why I never dreamt about finding my prince Charming - no, I only wanted the castle that seemed to come with every Happy Ever After (still do).

And although I have two very loving parents and had an overall happy childhood, they weren't, and still aren't, very "verbally" loving. Sure, I had hugs and kisses pretty much on demand, but the word love wasn't very common. That doesn't mean I didn't know just how much I was loved, that was never up to debate. Through my "experience" with familiar love and a short term with romantic love, I'd like to think I've learned a lot of things about it. 

While I'm far (really really far) from being an expert, if there is one thing I'm sure about is that love is not exclusive. If anything, love is inclusive. That it's possible to love two different people just as much but in different ways, different types of love. That there are a million of forms of love and of loving someone.  I've learned that all love needs is a bond between people, any kind of bond, and it can grow so much from just that. I've confirmed the almost universal truth that the first love really does cut the deepest. 

But the hardest part of Love is not letting go. Letting go becomes easy the moment reality finally sinks in. The hard part is letting someone new in after the fall. It's re-learning to trust the broken heart you just fixed (or not) into the hands of someone else. It's knowing you'll never fall just as hard, just as fast as the first time, because now you know best. It's fearing you are holding back too much because you've felt the consequences of not holding back at all. It's knowing it can crumble and fall just as fast as it was built.

The hardest part is not having to let go, it's knowing you can.


spin me around , make me dizzy

Saturday, November 12, 2016

All Out [part 2]

As the year mark gets closer, it dawns on me that one whole year has in fact just gone by. Where did time go? It feels like everything just flew by me too fast and simultaneously not fast enough. I still feel the same way I did back then, and I'm still unsure why. I moved on - or so I thought -, just to fall back into the same hole I believed being finally free from.

But it's with no shame whatsoever I admit that, even after all this time, he is still my favourite thing to write about (directly or indirectly, however hard I try to fight it). There are countless words and ideas swirling in my head at all times and, when it's not work related stuff, it's about him. And I've fought so, so hard against then... But there are things that just don't change.

I'm trapped between the need to move on and the reluctance to do so.

[Disclaimer: I was positively way past "just tipsy" when I begun writing this, so I had to stop myself here and sleep it over, or this would have gotten really depressing real fast]

So, in my recent trip to Ghent I left some of my ghosts by the river, in-between autumn coloured trees and large cups of tea. I boarded that plane with a heavy soul and a desperate need to get away from reality, even if just for a week. I return somewhat lighter, with less weight on my shoulders, and an overwhelming desire to embrace the world, to embrace Life, exactly as it is.

I will admit I had thought that, by now, the emptiness would be gone... And in some ways it is. But I find that void sometimes filled with such negative ideas that make me wonder if it wouldn't be better to just keep that space empty. I still feel just as alone as I did, it still hurts just as much. But I know now that there will always be some kind of void left behind; that nothing will ever be capable of completely fill that. There will be other things to balance the scale, there will be other unfillable voids.

New things are scary. And I've come to realise that there are some things, besides unfillable voids, I didn't know I was afraid of.

I didn't know I had trust issues (and to some extent I don't). But the mere idea of trusting someone, of depending on someone, on any other level beyond friendship makes me shut down and run for the hills. Maybe it's because I've tried trusting and it didn't worked out, maybe is one of those unfading voids, maybe I'm just still broken. How in any other way would I still look in the mirror and not like what is staring back? I became dependent on what others saw in me and stopped caring about what I saw in myself.

But I'm getting better at fighting my ghosts in this "self love" thing; I'm ready to accept that not everything will go as planned or as dreamt. And that big what if is a dream I'm finally ready to wake up from.

fly away
| also on my Instagram |

[I don't usually recommend musics for my posts, but I had Sermon by James Arthur on repeat while writing this]

This is my Pity Party weekend. Today would have been the first day of our 4th year anniversary weekend, because we couldn't agree about in which day it had actually started - the 12th or the 13th. I'd like to believe that, in a perfect world,  right now we'd be somewhere getting lost. 

I've learned that we can wish all the happiness in the world to someone, but that doesn't mean it will happen. So I just hope that, wherever he is, that he is okay.